Oh dear! I have been AWOL! What can I say? Busy as usual, and other things going on in my life that are keeping me on my toes, so I am sorry for neglecting you all again. Will you forgive me folks? SO! Today I am writing a blog post about not wanting to write a blog post! To be quite honest, I am finding it hard to keep up with the old blog these days, and even worse, I am getting a bit fedup (whispered!) with it too. Does anyone else feel like this? Then I find myself feeling guilty if I don't get around to reading all your lovely blogs. So somewhere between feeling guilty and feeling fed up, I find myself in the middle wondering why I do it at all! I find myself hankering for a time where there were no computers, no mobile phones and even no Facebook! I have a keen desire to become a hermit!
Just at this moment in time I find myself in a nesting mood, I just want to concentrate on getting my mutinous house under control, and get the garden sorted out for the winter. I have been planting some daffodil bulbs, and tidying the borders when I get a minute away from renovating the house that is!
Last friday I made a pissa ( No '-'s again on this puter! Here it is so you can know what I am talking about! I made the base too, and it turned out quite tasty. The topping had artichokes, peppers we had grown ourselves, fresh herbs from the garden, and plenty of stick on the hips cheese of course! Oooh and tuna, it was delish!
I also made a lemon drissle (!) cake. See, it is bad, I can't even be bothered to take a photo! I am in a very ponderous, housey, reflective, quiet place at the moment.
I really actually do have an enormous urge to just walk away from my blog. What stops me? You! yes all of my friends in blogland who I would miss, and wonder how you are all getting on. And would I change my mind when life becomes more settled again, and my little sun shines again. After all if my little sun comes out again I will be all chirpy and full of energy.
Maybe I just need a darn good belly laughing session! Chirpy and energetic is waiting for me !
That really is the main problem I think.....I just have very little enthusiasm right now. Lack of sleep and a few things in life which I have to get my head round have left me feeling somewhat depleted, and sometimes after, or during a busy day, when my head feels in a whirl, the last thing I wish to do is to write this blog! Then I worry about the fact that I haven't got to others blogs, and then that just stresses me too! Does that make any sense to you at all?? Or is it just me?! Do you ever get the urge to press delete? Or have I stood up and blurted out the unspeakable in blogland?
I think I am quite tired though, maybe it is that simple, I never used to feel this way, I used to enjoy it all so much. Maybe I just need some extra ssssssssssssssssss (!) See I have definitely lost them! Maybe I am just feeling the effects of time, like a creaking old gate. Heres a little funny to show that I am not a complete misery! A few of you will have already seen it on my facebook page!
Today, which will be tomorrow (!) I will be getting round to reading all your blogs! ( I always post after midnight, therefore Friday, but it always says thursday! Yes, after midnight, after 1pm sometimes, and then I wonder why I am always tired!)
I hope you are all well and happy! Have a happy weekend! Lots of love to you all, top of the world to you all! Susie xxx
What have you all been doing since last week? Anything exciting? Mr. Owl tree, here at owl tree cottage is beginning to spring forth with leaf!
Mine has been a mixed week... poor George has gone all bent on me again, he is not straight at all! He got in the car on Monday, stretched his leg on the clutch and did his back in again. Yes, he suffers from back trouble occasionally, and the strangest things can set it off! Once he was reaching for his toothbrush and it went on him big time! Poor George (big ahhhhhh here!), he has been in pain, and I have been in fits of laughter. I know, I know, thats awful, but he understands me after all these years, and my very strange sense of humour by now, and he deliberately trys to make me laugh by making comments!
I, very sadly have always been afflicted with inappropiate giggling! I think it is nerves or something! For instance, when he came in from the car he told me that there were some children waiting for the bus across the road watching him struggle to get out of the car and then hobble to the house looking like he had had an accident in his pants! Then later on when he was coming down the stairs, very slowly and all hunched over, and I was trying so hard to contain myself, he just had to say to me that I can laugh if I want, to which I reply... of course I won't laugh! Followed of course by the giggles and many apologies! Talking about apologies... what about Gordon Brown this week? Oh dear!
I on the other hand have had quite a good week on the back of it (sorry for the pun!). For one thing I have had his company for a few days, which is lovely! And on wednesday night, he felt a lot better and ready to go back to work the next day ( he is so rarely off work sick, infact I always tease him and say that he schedules his flus, colds, etc., for weekends and holidays!) and we had a steak and wine, which we don't usually do mid-week! So I have enjoyed him being home and eating earlier in the evenings, having more time together...the weekends are so short and flash by so quickly... heavy sigh! Last weekend we enjoyed yet another BBQ! The fresh sardine fillets were wonderful!
These veggie kebabs with the fresh prawns were delish!
Anyway, on the Monday night he could not get in the bed at all, and he slept on the armchair downstairs. He can sleep absolutely anywhere at all! (more George stories there! ), where as I on the other hand, can not! I have trouble with my sleep quite often. I am losing my zzzzzzzzzzzz s! In more ways than one! .... the z on my computer is on it's way out and I have to press really hard to get one, so soon I may be called Suie! Bertie jumped on the keyboard and sent my little z a flying! I was reading THIS post (by a very lovely lady!) and it struck a cord with me. Also a lovely , lovely sweet friend on Facebook (if you are reading this, you know who you are! KAY!) has trouble with the night time too. During the day, mostly, I am a very positve and optimistic person... but when I go to bed there is a monster under my bed! I toss and turn, worrying myself to bits. Every single niggle or worry comes crashing in at night time, and my mind will not be still at all! Does this happen to any of you lovely readers? It is awful, and of course.. very very tiring!
I love Dali!
I have always had the night terrors though, and when I do sleep.. I have very vivid and peculiar dreams. Recently, the lack of sleep is becoming more prominent. Of course once you get it in your head, it is very hard to stop the cycle! But by gawd, isn't that bedroom ceiling so interesting! NOT!
During the day though I have been busy though! I have been making a start on the garden and have got some veggies ready for planting ( I have only raised a few seeds this year and the rest have had to be ready to plant plants, due to work being done in the house). Room makeovers coming soon! I must remember to take before pictures! I shall be doing a complete kitchen makeover on a very, very tight budget!
Been painting again.............
Also I have been finishing off this cross stitch that I started sewing several years ago, and haven't touched since. It is not one of mine.. I wish it was...tis beautiful indeed and really is wasted stuck in a draw all scrumpled up! It really does not need much work to finish it, so I really should do! So I have been sewing this along side a few other sewing projects too.
Before I go I would like to give a mention to another Kay, who I know from facebook too! She is a lovely person and I really like her a lot, so please go and visit her on her blog HERE. On her recent post she has said the most lovely things about me, I was truly touched by her words! She has done some lovely creations and said that one of her pieces featured in her post were inspired by me! Gosh Kay you are so kind and wonderful, I wish you lived near by! I would give you a big hug! Thank you.
Anyway Enough! Enough for this week folks, Let me know what you all have been up to, I am so awfully nosey you know!
Before I go on to this weeks ramblings, I must again say a big thank you to all of you who take the time to leave comments. When I read others blog posts, which I try to do regularly, I can see how busy everyone is I have been overwhelmed by the amount of comments, and the kindness and thoughtfulness that they contain! You will be pleased to hear George had a lovely birthday, we had red snapper wrapped in bacon with herbs from the garden and freshly dug potatoes. i t was yummy! Thank you to all of you who wished him a happy birthday!
My post today touches on a very personal matter, and I spent some time pondering whether or not to write about such a very hard journey in my life! As my regular readers will know, I like to keep my posts on the light hearted side. I really don't want people leaving my blog with a heavy heart and a big frown! But it is part of my life, and one which I should not pretend has not happened.
However, as it all happened 5 years ago, and I can actually laugh about it now. When recently, I wrote that sometimes I can look in the mirror and laugh at what life and age have done to me, I really meant it! I can actually cry laughing! So believe it or not, this is not a sad post, it is more of a philosophical one, I hope!
The other day, I needed to go to the doctors.
Sourced from the Internet, Ladybird. If only it was all this jolly!
Nothing to worry about at all. I just needed to get myself back on list for mammograms and check ups. My husband has medical insurance from work, and if you use it like I did, you only get cover for five years. So, I rang up the surgery on Monday morning, and asked for an appointment. I decided to explain why I needed the appointment, as I thought (foolishly) that maybe I wouldn't have to go in at all, surely it could just be done over the phone? No, said the rather abrupt receptionist at the other end of the phone, you have to see the doctor. Oh, ok, I replied, could I make an appointment then? No, she added,you will have to ring on Wednesday between 8 and 8.30am to make an appointment for the same day. Ok! Wednesday arrived ( this is Friday, even though date will say something else, I put the photos on on that day), and I rang and got an appointment for 10.50. When I got to the Docs, I sat waiting, and waiting, in the reception, when I spotted a poster which told you, if you need a chaperone, ask at the desk. This amused me, I thought about the film Miss Potter, which I have on DVD. Beatrix potter has a chaperone stalking her in every scene almost!
The stalking chaperone dressed in black, quietly following behind!
So.......I had this image in my head, that the Docs must have a room full of chaperones, just like the one in the film!!! This nearly brought on a fit of giggles, which I am prone to get, quite often. I had to really control myself as I was sat on my own and when I get a giggle attack, I really find it hard to stop!
Luckily, I was so nervous I could block the giggling abdabs before they even started. I never liked going to the Doctors before the last 5 years of tests, operations and treatments, but now I seem to have developed a very strong aversion to it all! I was sat there questioning how I could be nervous, when nothing was going to happen. It was ridiculous! I told myself off, but it was no use, I just could not conquer my own fears. That is something I am still working on.... trying to live without fear. The trouble is that my illness (Breast cancer) set off a fear in me that seems to be well rooted in. When I was diagnosed, people remarked on how brave I was. Well I suppose, if you regard bravery as not caving in and taking it on the chin, well yes then, I was brave. But what people couldn't see, because I didn't show it, was that I was terrified!!! Inside my head, I had entered some kind of hellish place. I suppose it hadn't helped that my Mum had died of cancer 5 years before, and my Dad from cancer too, 5 years before that. And suddenly I felt like a small child who needed my Mum, but she wasn't there. I needed the cosy comforts that my Mum would have given, like a lovely pot of tea and cake! When ever I had to go to the Docs or the dentist when I was little, my Mum always used to treat me to this, or licorice ( I was going to take a picture of some yummy licorice, but I ate it! Oooops!)
When you get ill suddenly, with a potentially fatal disease, it can make you just want to curl up in a ball. Everyone is different in the way they will handle it, but I personally, spent my time recuperating from my operations and chemotherapy, as a time to reflect on life and to make sense of at all. For me, it was as if I had been thrown out of my old life into somewhere strange and alien. All I wanted, was to go back to how it was before, and for some time I could simply not accept what had happened to me. My mind just wasn't having it at all. It was similar to that feeling you get when someone dies, everything has changed and it will never be the same, and you just can't grasp it all. I was in a dark place for a while, and then bit by bit, like a beautiful butterfly emerging into the sunlight, I started to realise that even in such a traumatic time, wrapped up in amongst the sorrow and pain, is a gift. A really wonderful gift, a blessing! I could taste it, it was real, I can't put my finger on it or explain it, but on some deep level , I knew I had received something precious, and for what I had lost (my left boob, my figure and most of my hair!!!) I had somehow gained so much more. Everything was so concentrated, the sun was brighter, the grass was greener, the sky was bluer. I took the time to really appreciate this wonderful earth that we are blessed to have and love. I thought I had always appreciated everything, but I couldn't believe how much more I could 'see', it was as if my eyes were wide open! You know that feeling when you have the flu, or you wake up from a nightmare, and it feels soooo good to be back. Everything feels new and wonderful, well I started to have that lovely feeling , but all the time! Like a new sunrise.
I did this stitchery with applique when my new sunrise started to be born! It reads: Stormy sea and darkened skies...yet here it comes, a new sunrise.
Now though back to the Docs! When I finally got into see the Doctor, I sat down and she asked me what she could do for me. I told her why I was there, thinking that obviously, as I had to make an appointment, there would perhaps be a check up, or maybe some questions. NO!!! She said , yes , we can do that for you, I will put you back on the screening program. Goodbye. Why did I need to go there to be told what I could have been told on the phone?!
Well I hope this post has been uplifting and not at all maudlin, I wouldn't want it to be sad, as I like to make people smile. So, I thought I would share this video with you all. Because I have had to face my mortality full on, I did spend some time preparing myself , just in case! The fear that I have to try to conquer is that my cancer may come back, and I will kick the proverbial tin bucket! Anyhow, when I was in between my dark days and my hey, I'm back and loving it days (now), in the I haven't got a clue what will happen but I may as well have a laugh about it and get on with it days. I decided that at my funeral I would have some deep and meaningful songs and words, but right at the end, as I departed and people were feeling sad (or not!) I would leave the way I like to live, and give everyone a good laugh. The song is about leaving, but mainly about being insane! People who know me would definitely see it as appropriate! Enjoy it! Its great. Thank you all of you who are still reading, I hope I haven't bored you!
Until next week, I wish you all lots of love and happiness!
Suzie. xxx :)
Dr. Demento - They're coming to take me away, ha ha , heehee, ha ha
